My View From Apartment 9

More than Just a Headband: A Memory of A Friend

by Tom Tollefson

Do you remember the Live Strong bracelets? About eight years ago the simple yellow bracelets were the latest fashion statement. Everyone from kids to grandparents were sporting the cancer fighting bands. Their popularity even prompted countless other causes and non-profit organizations to make bracelets specific to their own messages and themes.

The secret behind the popularity of these simple bracelet trends is just as basic as the designs themselves; they carry a message or meaning that's close to the hearts of those who wear them. Rather it's fighting cancer or the memory of a deceased loved one, there is sure to be an attached meaning to every brightly colored band proudly displayed on our wrists.

These bands aren't the only item we wear that can carry a reminder of something important. I have a black Celtics band packed away in my gym bag with a memory and meaning of its own. I've had it for a while, but I'm waiting until I play basketball this spring to wear it. My friend bought it for me at a Boston Celtics game the last time I saw him.

During half time, he(I will not be using my friend's real name so be prepared for a pronoun onslaught of “he”) asked me if I wanted anything before he went to the concession stands. I nodded “no” politely, and a few minutes later he came back with a brand new head band with the Celtics traditional green shamrock embroidered on it. He then said he knew I would like it, as I always have liked wearing headbands while playing basketball(It does wonders to keep the sweat from blinding my eyes). That's how I remember him as a person. He was always generous and willing to help rather it be moving boxes or helping me fix my computer. I lost track of the times he helped over the years that him and I had been friends.

Some people might unfairly label him a “geek” because of his love for comic superheros and video games. He often would reserve time at home to watch the latest shows on G4, a video game channel. He played in video game tournaments and went to video game expositions to catch a sneak peek at the latest releases. That's just how he was, and I liked him for all those qualities. While not being into video games as much as him, we both shared that interest and I remember a lot of good times battling with him on our favorite video games. I can still hear him yelling at the TV when he was loosing.

One of my favorite stories about him was the day when we were walking out the library at closing time and he realized he had left his ID there. He sprinted back to the front door only to find it locked. He then ran around to the side and back doors pounding and shouting “I need my ID!” He was so loud you could have heard him a block away. It wasn't funny at the time, but we laughed about it later. I'll also mention that the next day he had a flight to catch for Minnesota. After about 5-10 minutes, which seemed like eternity, one of the last librarians in the building opened the door and let him in to get his ID.

Him and I would always find something to do and make it fun. Rather it was something as simple as driving around aimlessly listening to Matchbox 20, grabbing a late night snack at Denny's or going to a basketabll game those were some of the best memories I've had with friends.

Another one of my favorite things to do with him was play basketball. At one point, we had a regular group to play on Tuesday afternoons. He wasn't a street ball all-star by any means, but he was a smart player, always had a good attitude win or lose and made for good camaraderie on the court.

I can still hear him joking with me “Let's see what you got, white shadow,” a classic comedy line from the movie Cable Guy. That's another thing he brought to the game...humor. He always had a joke or interesting quote to share and lighten the mood on the court, keeping everything in good fun.

Him and I go way back to when we were kids. He moved away in junior high and we kept in touch. Then when I was about to graduate college he moved back to New Hampshire. The timing was perfect. He was looking for new friends in his change of scenery and I was at a pivotal point in my life needing positive influences to help me get back on track. It didn't happen by coincidence.

Over the last few years, he's changed in a lot of ways, as have most of my other friends. His path and motivations now are much different, yet I still miss his jokes and video game rivals and encouragement. All these funny stories and good memories are sealed up in that sweat band. It serves as a nostalgic reminder of him. Not only does it remind me of his generosity, but his love for sports, and especially New England Sports. He was your traditional die hard Boston fan, watching the Celtics, Bruins, Red Sox, and Patriots.

I'm not the only one with this nostalgia drenched sweat band ideas. The former NBA MVP Allen Iverson used to wear a sweat band with “RA” embroidered on it. It stood for Rahsaan Langford, a childhood friend who was had been shot and killed. He used to touch it before taking a free throw as a way of remembering his good friend.

When I return to the outdoor basketball courts this spring and summer, I'll be wearing the head band my friend gave me. It means more than just keeping the sweat out of my eyes. It holds a piece of the memories that him and I had as friends. I'll take that with me to keep me grounded and motivated when I play basketball. He may not be around, but the memories will never die. May God Bless this friend of mine and help him wherever he is now.

Pro Sports = Pro Greed

Issue #5

by Tom Tollefson

by Tom Tollefoson

We cheer them from the stands, bar stools, and living rooms in our homes. We buy their merchandise and make their games a part of our every day discussions with family, friends, and co-workers. Many of our children idolize them, wishing to be like them one day. It's the thrill of competition. From the crack of the bat to the gravity defying dunks and impossible touchdown catches over muscle laden defenders, it’s real life drama at its best. It gives us a chance to cheer on those who have achieved supremacy in athletics and empathize their pain and joy through every play. They've worked so hard to beat the odds and to make it to this level of play in the sports that they love. This is professional sports in America, and that's what we're told it's all about. Or is it really? As the decades pass and the pocketbooks for these competitors grow bigger is it about the money more than the sport?

According to statisticbrain.com, American professional sports has an total estimated revenue of $23 billion. The NFL leads the way with $9 billion, while the MLB totals $7 billion, the NBA has $3.8 billion, and the NHL has $2.9 billion.

Here's a trivia question for you, what do all four leading sports leagues have in common over the last 20 years? They have all went through a lockout( the NBA had two). They all may have different situations, but they had one common denominator. You guessed it; it was about money. Both sides were really to blame. The owners and league executives wrote out contracts too lucrative to pay among other mishaps that mismanaged their finances, and then did not want to pay the players the money they wanted and give them all their desired contracts and privileges demanded by the players' unions. The players refused to accept anything less and decided to lockout as a result. By refusing to set aside their differences and work together, both sides went against the work ethic, team work, and unity that is at the very heart of sports. We teach our children to be fair, work together, and work hard, only to watch in dismay as the leaders of our sports world cast these values aside like a pair of sweaty gym socks.

Many will say that pro sports are great for our country because they bring in thousands of jobs. The arenas and teams all must hire dozens of coaches, trainers, and other support personnel to keep the league running. While that is true, look at the millions of dollars that were lost as a result of the lockouts. All the arenas that hosted the games were left vacant. Fourteen mayors from NBA home towns even signed a petition to end the lockout early on. They feared the financial damage it would do to their cities with fewer attractions in their towns. The arenas were left with empty venues and the restaurants in the areas around the arenas were also quite a bit emptier without the lure of the evening games. Did that stop the players or owners from locking out? No, they had their own agenda. They were both more concerned with getting their own way and their idea of a “fair deal.” While the players are to blame for asking for more money, the owners can be at blame for dishing out too many large contracts, thus spoiling the players and leaving them with a want for even more.

In an interview on 60 Minutes in 2005, Michael Jordan went on record for saying that players are given too much too soon. “I think the game is being cheated because of the success that is being given to them prior to them earning it," he said. When Jordan played, rookies did not come out of college with multi-million dollar contracts. They had to earn everything. Most of his world class fortune didn't even come from his playing days, but came aferwards when he took ownership of his own line of clothes and invested in the Charlotte Bobcats as owner. Today's NBA superstar Lebron James came out of high school not only with a lucrative NBA contract, but with a NIKE life time endorsement for $100 million. Then later into his career, ESPN aired a one hour special titled “The Decision” about where he would sign to play. I'm not the only one to see the error in this ESPN overly hyped production. The “Decision” became a lightning rod for criticism from sports casters, fans, coaches, and basketball traditionalists alike as the sports world began to turn on “King James.”

The constant media focus on the individual players and emphasis on their own individual play only adds to the inflated egos and takes the attention away from the most important part of sports...teamwork and unselfishness. Again, that's what we teach our children about sports, yet we as a society disregard it when we focus so much on all the flash, million dollar endorsements, commercials, and million dollar contracts. Something is not right here, folks.

Years ago, before all the chalk dust throwing and the dancing on the court and disagreements about how many more millions owners should pay, sports were about good old fashion team play, hard work, and love for the game. Just go over to youtube or your local video store and check out vintage sports footage to see the difference in the way Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, and Magic Johnson, Babe Ruth, Allen Iverson, Dan Marino, Jerry Rice played sports during an simpler era when it was more about the love for the sport than the love for money and love for self.

Just 10-15 years ago the NFL and NBA were a major part of my life. I watched every game with faithful anticipation of every play. Today, I'll admit, my taste for those two leagues has soured. The devolving of pro sports into a selfish business focused culture has left a very bad taste in my mouth. Sure I still enjoy watching an occasional game and cheering for a few of the players that still catch my interest, but it's not the same. As I sit here in essence venting about all that's wrong with pro sports, I'm hoping that my comments will inspire a change; a change in the attitudes we have towards sports and why we play and watch them.

Fans, athletes, coaches, parents, and sports fans alike, let's step away from the money and politics to remember the days when it was just you and the bat smacking that ball across the field or practicing for hours to improve your jump shot and dribble moves. You did it because it was fun. It brought joy to your heart and the hearts of the teammates, who worked with you as a single unit. It was the challenge of always improving, growing, learning, and experiencing life within the boundaries of a field or court. After all, isn't that what sports is all about?

Live Your Legacy NOW!

Issue#4

by Tom Tollefson

Last year, the doomsday of May 21, 2011 came and went without any apocalyptic end or even any major world events. Obviously, that day came and went without any end and here we are nearly a year later and we are still here. This isn’t the first false alarm for Doomsday. January 1, 2000 was supposed to be the end of days too, among many others. People prepared by investing in bomb shelters for 2,000 and in recent times some sold all their possessions assuming they wouldn’t need them after May 21st. They were wrong, and in the days following they became the laughing stalk of society.

However, what if they were right? What if May 21st had actually been the end of the world? Or what if tomorrow a giant asteroid smashed into the earth ending all life? Would you be ready to leave this game we call “life?” Or what if you only had a few days left until our world’s end? What would you say and how would you live? Would you let those grudges go and make amends with your family, friends, and others in whom you have ill relations? Have you left the mark you want to leave on the world? Or are you procrastinating working towards your goal of what you want to leave for this world before your end or its end?

A lot of us, especially the youngest of us, think we have all the time left in the world. However, anyone can still die at any time. Look at how many young people die from car accidents or fast moving medical problems. You might die before your thirty or live long into your grand old golden era of retirement. Or an asteroid could slam into the earth and destroy all life. After all, we have thousands of asteroids and meteors pass us every year. In fact about 17 years ago, an asteroid narrowly passed between the earth and the moon. No one knows for sure.

I knew a young man who enlisted in the army forces and toured Afghanistan. During his time in battle, he won a purple heart for a head wound. Fortunately, he healed from his injury and returned to his hometown, and all seemed going well for this young man. Not long after he returned home, he was instantly killed in a car accident. You never can tell when your end will come.

Death and the end of the world are dark concepts, and I’m not trying to be negative or get any of you to pointlessly worry about your mortal end and live in fear and avoidance of life. I’m instead bringing a message of urgency about life. If you haven’t lived your life to the fullest and become the person you want to be, then start doing it today.

If you have any dreams left un-pursued or are procrastinating helping others or yourself get back on track then NOW is the time. Now is especially the time to start that change if you’re trying to beat addictions or be a better person. If you’re not happy with the person you’ve become wouldn’t it be better to make that positive change so that you’re remembered for the good person you know you are inside?

These changes can be as simple as spending more time with your family and friends, putting away our grudges, working out more, losing weight, or a life changes such as quitting drinking, smoking, drugs, going back to school, or pursuing your dream job with more zeal and determination than you have thus far.

The time is NOW! Let’s all get into action and start leaving our legacy for the world. Just ask yourself one simple question: if the world ended tomorrow or I died, would I be happy in the way I am leaving it?

A Simple Equation: Good Influences = Good Friend

Issue #3

For the first few editions, I’ve talked about friendship. Now, it’s time for a grand finale, tying this topic up with a nice bow. There are so many more factors of friendship we could discuss such as kindness, trust, and love, but come on, people, its common sense. Those topics should be well ingrained into our brains since childhood. Instead, I’ll wrap up by talk about how to choose good friends.

Obviously, you want friends who share your common interests, but you also need people who are dependable, loyal, and won’t bring you down. You become what your social influences exist to be. It’s been proven time and time again that social influences shape who we are. Rather its lab rats, sheep, or humans, we are all social animals, and we are influenced by those in our species around us the most. Life is a lot simpler that we make it out. It’s pretty cut and dry, friends will do two things to you, either bring you up or bring you down.

The best way to go about selecting people in your life is to measure them by the characteristics we previously described. Are they dependable? Are they loyal? Also, ask yourself, are they into drugs, crime, and take part in words and actions that go against your morals? If you answer yes to these questions, then you could be in danger of being brought down by friends as you could turn out the same as them.

In the book of Proverbs it reads that “bad company corrupts good character,” and that statement is just as true today as it was when it was written thousands of years ago.

Now many of you may have good honest hearts that are moved to help people who have substance abuse problems, hurt others, and have criminal records. That’s great if you want to help them, and it’s true that everyone deserves a second chance in life, however you must approach this with extreme caution. Think of a large lit up sign that screams WARNING! The danger is that they could bring you down with them. The best way to approach this situation is to make it clear to them that you want to help bring them lead to a better place in life. After you’ve done that, you need to also make t clear that you won’t be around them while they’re doing anything illegal or anything that goes against your morals. And if they’re going out with friends whom you observe to be “bringing them down,” then stay away from those situations. Don’t give in to their peer pressure, make them give in to your positive peer pressure to be better people. Never compromise your morals and values for anyone. There’s no way you can help them while compromising yourself and doing activities that you are trying to lead them away from.

It’s such a shame; I’ve seen a lot of good people in life pulled down by the company they keep. Your inner social network is one of the most influential areas of your life, and will determine your future. Be cautious and make sure you keep it positive, not bearing the dead weight of negativity. That way you’ll have good friends who will help you move forward in life.

Dependability: A Lost Art

Issue#2

In my first column on friendship, I’ve talked about loyalty and how rare it can be, today let’s move on to a very similar facet of this gem called “friendship.”

We’ve all been there. You make plans to go out to the movies or a trip or maybe to the gym with someone and they just never show up. You pick up your phone to call or text them, but get no response. There goes your Friday night, shot waiting for someone who never cared enough to show up, and did I mention this was the third consecutive time they did this?

I think we all know people that do this. Loyalty is not the only rare quality to find in people, let’s add “dependability” to the list.

If you’re someone who lets people down constantly, then you need to take a closer look at how you can be more dependable. However, if you have people in your life who cancel and are not there for you, then you might want to seriously re-asses rather or not you want them in your life.

This whole concept about dependability has to do with time and commitment and how we prioritize the use of our time in making those commitments. Rather we want to admit it or not, we all have priorities and have control over how we divide up our time. For example, I work three jobs, but always find time to work out and see my girlfriend because those are two of my priorities. I also consider my friends to be a priority when they return my calls and make time to visit.

Personally, I’ll admit, it’s really hurtful and annoying when people either just don’t show up or call, or when they call and cancel consistently. It’s especially disappointing when you’ve had a rough day and are looking forward to going out and shooting hoops or going hiking or something with one of your buddies, only to find out they canceled again for the fifth time in a row.

I’ll give you an example from my own life, in which I’m sure many of you can relate. I had plans to catch up with an old friend of mine. Let’s leave her real name out of this article and call her Leslie. I had plans one Friday night with Leslie to visit her new place. I told her that I would call her after my meeting was over at around 4:30 and would get her address to punch into the GPS, then my girlfriend and I would drop by her house. The meeting ended on time, and I called her just as planned, only she didn’t answer. I figured no sweat, I’ll just try again in a few minutes. A few minutes later, I called again. The same results, so I left a voice mail. “We’ll wait and she’ll call me back,” I told my girlfriend. Soon 5:00 rolled around and no phone call. My girlfriend gave me a look as if to say “now what?” Her and I were sitting in parking lot in the rain waiting to find out if Leslie was going to call me back. After several more minutes, we decided to just scrap it and look for something else to do. I would have thought Leslie would have called me to say what had happened. She never did.

So the moral of this column is to think about how you feel when people “blow you off” and just cancel constantly or just don’t call or show at all. How do you feel when you’re having a bad day and someone goes out of their way to come visit you or invites you over for dinner and offers advice and encouragement? Doesn’t it make you feel good? Shouldn’t we do that for our friends? Don’t just see your friends when it’s “convenient” take some time to show that you care. It’s time for us all to grow up and be responsible with it comes to our companions. So take time “to be a friend.”

Friendship Through All Phases of Life

Issue #1

Intro: Welcome to my column, which will be constantly updated so be sure to come back frequently and read my latest editions. My goal is to put my unique perspective into this column to help you in some way for each edition.

This is my first column begins a series of editions that focuses on friendship. Today I will focus on how to be a better friend. The next edition will focus on the influences friends have on people and how we should chose our friends.

“Friendship.” That’s a funny word. When you look it up in Webster’s dictionary it mentions attachment. As we all know, attachment means to be stuck to something. How close do we hold to this definition anymore? Can any of you think of a time where it didn’t seem as though friends were “attached” when you were having a bad day, and they brushed you off or didn’t return your calls? Or maybe you were the culprit of brushing one of your friends off, even when they were trying to help you? Unfortunately, this happens all too often in our society.

Respect, honesty, openness, and charity, which cause people to be true and attach themselves to friends, has been dwindling thin in our society. Let me ask you this…does it show that you’re attached to someone when you ignore them? Or does it show that you care about your friends when you neglect to pay them back, gossip about them, and allow yourself to drift from them?

The well known comic book writer Len Wein said the following: “A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else."

So are you guilty of walking away from your friends? Maybe you’ve been the one who’s had people walk away from you. I’ve been in the position of losing a lot of people in the last year. Some of them were going down a dark path and couldn’t deal with it when I spoke out against their behavior and consistently tried to help them. Then others were stubborn and didn’t want to compromise in anything but have their own way, and were angered when I didn’t just “follow along” like a lost little puppy. Either way, I’ve seen people break this “attachment” called friendship.

This social bond is a common necessity for most everyone. It’s even the third group listed on Maslov’s Hierarchy of Needs , this psychology theory was written by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper A Theory of Human Motivation.

We know who are true friends are when we go through hardships like poverty, failed businesses, breakups, and growing pains. They will be there for us, for they are attached to us like a stamp. Did you ever notice how with just a little liquid a stamp will stay on an envelope as if it’s a part of it? You can throw it across the room, shake it, and stomp on it, and the stamp will stay on. Friends should be the same way.

Yeah, it’s great to have friends and go out and go to dinners and movies, but how many of us still feel that way when our friends need us to be there for them during the hard times? How many of us would change our plans to do something less expensive after we ask our friend out to the movies and that person doesn’t have the money to go? How many of us would change our plans just to go over and visit with them and understand that they don’t have any money? Or would you simply say “sorry, I really just want to do something to spend money tonight.”

Ask yourselves these questions and consider how good your friends are and how good you are as a friend. We can all learn from these questions. If you’re not being “attached” to your friends then maybe you should read this again. If you have so called “friends” like this, then maybe you need to step away from them for a while. You wouldn’t be deserting them at that point, for if they treat you poorly, then it’s them who have already deserted you. It would be simply taking that next step to move forward past negativity.

Friendship is about making sure you’re attached to good people while being loyal yourself. Whatever your situation or who you are, I hope that you take something from my column this week, and remember it.